Oscars Rules

Dear Oscars-

My mother and I have been watching the Oscars for a very long time, and we have developed a few rules for you. These aren't suggestions; these are pretty hard and fast.

1.) Speeches: they need to be eloquent, funny, or short. This isn't our first rodeo; we know you aren't going to do all three. Just pick one that works for you and stick to it.

2.) If you win, do not pull out your speech and read it. It looks like you thought you were gonna win: tacky. Furthermore, most of you are actors and can memorize a few lines. One would hope.

3.) We want to see movie clips. We love movies; that's kinda why we are here. Show us some movie clips. Do NOT do that weird thing you did a couple years ago when 5 former Oscars winners showed up and talked about the 5 actors who were nominated and we had to endure hearing about Angelina Jolie's luminance and grace. Nobody wants that. Everyone wants movie clips.

4.) If you can't manage any of the things in rule number 1, then get drunk and do something outrageous. We love scandal; that's kinda why we are here. Mom and I don't get to watch the Oscars together and we call each other at every commercial; make sure we have something to talk about, other than Gwyneth Paltrow's ugly dress. (You know it will be.) And don't make the Foreign Film winners bring all the sparkle and eccentricity. You are making Americans look boring. Do something; I don't know, act interesting perhaps.

5.) Boob rules. There are a lot of these:

A.) We are not prudes, you are welcome to show some cleavage. Just make sure it is from the top. No side boob or under boob allowed.

B.) Please make sure that more of your boob is covered than uncovered. If more of your boob is uncovered than covered, you are violating Boob Rule A. It's just simple math.

C.) Wear a bra. Or have one built into your dress. (Yes, they can do that.)

D.) Do NOT tug up your dress on the stage. (several million people just saw that) Do NOT tug up your dress in the audience. (you never know when the camera is on you) Do NOT tug up your dress at all. There are at least 75 costume designers in this place, go get some help (pre-show) if you think you are slipping. They'll have safety pins or some double-sided tape. Get help; don't tug.

6.) Hey, sound wizards, I don't wanna hear the applause during the who-died-this-year montage. It's tacky to hear the clapping swell when some actor pops up, and then crickets when, let's say, some sound engineer is honored. Crank the maudlin ballad you have playing over it or just block out the applause until the end. Be all sound wizardy; do it for your tech brethren everywhere.

7.) Tulle? No.

8.) We want some sort of weird song and dance number, maybe 2. I am thinking for the opening and then for the nominated songs. Neil Patrick, this one's on you, Buddy. You can do it. But keep it short and toned-down; this isn't the Tonys.

9.) Steer clear of politics, unless your movie was political. Then you are allowed, but make sure you make sense and stick to Rule 1. No rambling. Documentaries, you are allowed to be as political or rambling as you want. They are gonna play you off anyway.

10.) Don't take yourselves too seriously. You are a room full of rich people handing each other golden statues for playing pretend. Have fun!

We'll be watching. Don't make us add your name to our "yeah-don't-much-care-for-him/her list." You wanna be on the "Oh-I-love-him/her!" list with Helen Mirren.

Happy Oscars!
Erin and Cathy